Thursday, October 13, 2016

SOME CHAPTERS CHANGE OUR LIVES FOREVER

Recently I have been contacted numerous times asking me why I haven't posted anything new in over 3 years.  Even as I write this, I shake and my heart is very heavy.  If you google the following keywords: Ross Township Shooting, Saylorsburg, Monroe County, PA ~ you will understand the reasons for my hiatus.  

Suffice to say, being in a mass shooting puts you in an ever growing community of victims and survivors.  On August 5, 2013, my husband and I were thrown into this unwanted fraternity of sorts.  I am one of the survivors, but my beloved husband of 30 years, Jerry, was a victim.  He along with one of our best friends, James Vincent "Vinny" LaGuardia and the temporary zoning officer, Mr. Fleetwood, were killed.  

Most people say, 'I can't imagine what....' and I always respond, " No, and you don't want to."  I am not going into details.  There are no words to describe what each one of the citizens attending the Township meeting that night experienced.  Suffice to say, some nightmares never end.  They simply become your everyday life.  I know mine has.

Losing a good portion of my lower leg and most of the volume of my life-giving blood that night has been life changing itself.  I know there were Divine sources at work that night saving lives~ mine only one of them.  But, losing my soulmate, Jerry, has been the greatest loss of my life.  When you spend 24 hours a day together for nearly 30 years, again there are no words.  He was my Champion through our lives and that is exactly how he transcended from this life--as a Champion, my very breath.  I mean that literally.  He took a bullet meant for the back of my head.  There is no greater act of love or bravery as giving your life for another.  He will forever walk beside me as my Hero, I only wish his actions were acknowledged on a greater level.  One he is deserving of.

I have a great belief and 'knowing' that life simply transcends from this dimension to another full of Peace, Harmony and Forgiveness.  It's what keeps me attached to the Gratitude of what still remains of our life together and of the life I now forage alone.  As difficult as it has been and will always be, I feel a greater kinship to my ancestors who walked this path before me.  Grief can be consuming and certainly life-altering at the very least.  But, when you have to continue for a multitude of reasons, you have to fall back on primal instinct, as I am sure now that my ancestors did every step of their extremely difficult journey before me.  I am humbled.  

So, for those of you who have contacted me, I apologize for the lack of response.  I spent the first few weeks just trying to survive my injuries.  I was Blessed with an amazing trauma team and an equally amazing nursing staff during my weeks in the trauma unit and later when I was transferred to my 'well protected cave.'  Upon release, I was Blessed to have family help me adjust and recover for a few weeks away before I went back to our home.  It is all so surreal even now, 3 years later. The first 2 years are a blur in many ways.  I could barely read a paragraph and even now my brain plays games with text and focus and the list goes on.  This last year has been the hardest.  I still use assistance walking and my stamina has been greatly compromised- my level of pain remains 24 hours a day and it will never go away, but the fog lifting in regards to the impact it has all had on every aspect of my life --that is the greatest hurdle and the heavy burden I struggle with every day.  

Struggles have been the common denominator throughout the generations of mankind. But, we only have to read the annals of history to know it is the strength of Human Spirit that has carried us throughout the historical progression of mankind. One step at a time, even one second at a time.  I have been carried on the back of family, friends and more people than I will ever know who reached out to help me resurrect the shards of a life I once lived and to support and encourage me on the path to discover what will be my new normal in the remainder of my life now.  No matter where this new path takes me, I know I carry within me the strength of my ancestral lineage, the support of all those who encourage me now and the Heart of my husband, Jerry.  That's more than enough.

I hope to resume posting on a monthly basis.  Thank you all for your patience, thoughts and prayers...

Linda

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